I am lying on my back in the snow, my first attempt at cross country skiing not being altogether successful. That afternoon I had gone to the campus rental office and checked out all of the equipment I would need. I didn't pay much attention when the person working at that time tried to explain to me where the trails were. It hadn't occurred to me that I needed trails, so it also didn't occur to me that I needed to listen to the instructions. (Why are we so odd and short-sighted when we are in our teens? ;-) ) And, I think it wasn't about skiing. It was that I needed quiet, I needed to be by myself, in the woods, doing something a bit challenging; I needed time to think.
My second year of college was not going great, mainly because I didn't feel any closer to having found answers to my gnawing questions. I had spent my first year at a very traditional college, not because I was that traditional, but because it was located in the city, Washington DC, where I wanted to go to school. But I did give it my best. I asked all of my questions. I went on retreats. I paid attention in classes. But still, I had come up empty-handed. Because of that, and because of how unsafe the city was, despite its many cultural opportunities, I decided to pursue my major of education by transferring and going to an "experimental college." From totally traditional to grass-roots-anything-goes, it made sense.....I wasn't only trying to get an education, I was trying to learn why I was even on this planet.
It's amazing what I got to experience during those two years. Basically the first place was a microcosm of western Christianity and Greek philosophy, and the second one was a hotbed of antidisestablishmentarianism, with an undercurrent of every radical philosophy, eclectic spirituality, lifestyle and political view possible, gathered in one place. It goes without saying that my education was happening in many ways and through many experiences, not just within the classrooms.
And yet, despite my exposure to both "traditional religions" and "non traditional beliefs" I still did not have good, solid answers. I wasn't looking for something "emotional" or "non-emotional", "intellectual" or "non-intellectual", I was looking for what Made Sense and Rang True.
To go backwards a little bit...I knew from the way my older siblings were raised, that the expectation in our home was that my parents would pay for the first year of college, and we needed to pay for the following three years. So, we were expected to work, save, get good grades to get scholarships, and apply for student loans. This was not something imposed on us that we felt was unfair, but rather we valued the idea of going to college, and we made saving for college a priority. The idea of transferring colleges had not been that traumatic. After all, I was moving closer to home, to a safer environment (so to speak, at least in theory). My parents probably had no idea what I was going to encounter there, as I'm sure I didn't either. I really was interested in going to an experimental college, because my idea at the time was that I wanted to help change the world for the better. And since I thought the current public education system needed help, I was interested in starting alternative schools. With that goal in mind, it was logical to go to an alternative school and experience it first-hand. In looking back, I can see so many ways that God protected me, even when I was not sure He existed. I share a little bit about this history, so you can experience with me, on that stuck-in-the-snow-day, how very deeply disturbing it was to me to think about actually quitting college.
So, I set out, too late in the afternoon, with my ski boot toes hopefully clipped into my cross country skis, and ready for a learn-by-doing crash course. How hard can it be, right? I eventually realize that I am working extremely hard, that I am having to cut trails in fresh snow, that I have no idea where I am or what I am doing. And that it is getting dark, out in the country. (This college owns hundreds of acres.) In a moment of mercy, I fall backwards into the snow, completely depleted of not only my physical strength, but finally Stopping. Stopping, not by woods, on a snowy evening with horses, in a Robert Frost homey moment. But stopping the moving legs, the pursuing mind, the aimless journey, and falling, into the reality of the deep misery that brought me out there. I was so lost, in every way possible.
Prior to this, I had been waking up for days nauseous with the idea that I might actually quit college. It was undoubtedly the hardest decision I had faced in my life, and I knew it was going to have lots of repercussions for my future. Picture someone who when they are about ten, gets $30 for their birthday from various relatives, and puts probably at least $24 in the bank, in their college savings account. Yup. So that will give you some idea of how serious this decision was for me, and how sick it made me feel. And why was I even thinking of quitting college? I was not able to find my purpose, and my paradigms had shifted and I wasn't, frankly, finding Truth, which is what I needed to find.
I lay there in the snow, feeling cold, tired, lost and helpless, and of course a bit scared, as I certainly didn't want evening to fall on me out there. From deep within me came a wail, and the sorrowful lyrical chanting, "My God, my God, why hast Thou forsaken me?" I don't know how long I laid there, but I know I lamented from the depths of my being, over and over again with this one phrase, which meant "Where are You God? Who are You God? Why are we here? Why am I here? What is the purpose of all of this? Why can't I find You?"
I eventually got up somewhat refreshed, renewed, with hope again. I decided to at least finish the semester. I even thought of possibly becoming a heart surgeon (Ha! something that had never crossed my mind before or after, and for many good reasons). I somehow, with God's help of course, made it back to the inhabited part of the campus. Finding the rental office closed by the time I got back, the next day I paid my fines for returning the equipment late. It was a small price; I was grateful to be alive, and hopeful again.
For now, back then when this story took place, I would not quit college. As it turned out, I had more to learn there.
I would love to share that with you, if you would like, please go to Introduction Part III.
~Ahava
My second year of college was not going great, mainly because I didn't feel any closer to having found answers to my gnawing questions. I had spent my first year at a very traditional college, not because I was that traditional, but because it was located in the city, Washington DC, where I wanted to go to school. But I did give it my best. I asked all of my questions. I went on retreats. I paid attention in classes. But still, I had come up empty-handed. Because of that, and because of how unsafe the city was, despite its many cultural opportunities, I decided to pursue my major of education by transferring and going to an "experimental college." From totally traditional to grass-roots-anything-goes, it made sense.....I wasn't only trying to get an education, I was trying to learn why I was even on this planet.
It's amazing what I got to experience during those two years. Basically the first place was a microcosm of western Christianity and Greek philosophy, and the second one was a hotbed of antidisestablishmentarianism, with an undercurrent of every radical philosophy, eclectic spirituality, lifestyle and political view possible, gathered in one place. It goes without saying that my education was happening in many ways and through many experiences, not just within the classrooms.
And yet, despite my exposure to both "traditional religions" and "non traditional beliefs" I still did not have good, solid answers. I wasn't looking for something "emotional" or "non-emotional", "intellectual" or "non-intellectual", I was looking for what Made Sense and Rang True.
To go backwards a little bit...I knew from the way my older siblings were raised, that the expectation in our home was that my parents would pay for the first year of college, and we needed to pay for the following three years. So, we were expected to work, save, get good grades to get scholarships, and apply for student loans. This was not something imposed on us that we felt was unfair, but rather we valued the idea of going to college, and we made saving for college a priority. The idea of transferring colleges had not been that traumatic. After all, I was moving closer to home, to a safer environment (so to speak, at least in theory). My parents probably had no idea what I was going to encounter there, as I'm sure I didn't either. I really was interested in going to an experimental college, because my idea at the time was that I wanted to help change the world for the better. And since I thought the current public education system needed help, I was interested in starting alternative schools. With that goal in mind, it was logical to go to an alternative school and experience it first-hand. In looking back, I can see so many ways that God protected me, even when I was not sure He existed. I share a little bit about this history, so you can experience with me, on that stuck-in-the-snow-day, how very deeply disturbing it was to me to think about actually quitting college.
So, I set out, too late in the afternoon, with my ski boot toes hopefully clipped into my cross country skis, and ready for a learn-by-doing crash course. How hard can it be, right? I eventually realize that I am working extremely hard, that I am having to cut trails in fresh snow, that I have no idea where I am or what I am doing. And that it is getting dark, out in the country. (This college owns hundreds of acres.) In a moment of mercy, I fall backwards into the snow, completely depleted of not only my physical strength, but finally Stopping. Stopping, not by woods, on a snowy evening with horses, in a Robert Frost homey moment. But stopping the moving legs, the pursuing mind, the aimless journey, and falling, into the reality of the deep misery that brought me out there. I was so lost, in every way possible.
Prior to this, I had been waking up for days nauseous with the idea that I might actually quit college. It was undoubtedly the hardest decision I had faced in my life, and I knew it was going to have lots of repercussions for my future. Picture someone who when they are about ten, gets $30 for their birthday from various relatives, and puts probably at least $24 in the bank, in their college savings account. Yup. So that will give you some idea of how serious this decision was for me, and how sick it made me feel. And why was I even thinking of quitting college? I was not able to find my purpose, and my paradigms had shifted and I wasn't, frankly, finding Truth, which is what I needed to find.
I lay there in the snow, feeling cold, tired, lost and helpless, and of course a bit scared, as I certainly didn't want evening to fall on me out there. From deep within me came a wail, and the sorrowful lyrical chanting, "My God, my God, why hast Thou forsaken me?" I don't know how long I laid there, but I know I lamented from the depths of my being, over and over again with this one phrase, which meant "Where are You God? Who are You God? Why are we here? Why am I here? What is the purpose of all of this? Why can't I find You?"
I eventually got up somewhat refreshed, renewed, with hope again. I decided to at least finish the semester. I even thought of possibly becoming a heart surgeon (Ha! something that had never crossed my mind before or after, and for many good reasons). I somehow, with God's help of course, made it back to the inhabited part of the campus. Finding the rental office closed by the time I got back, the next day I paid my fines for returning the equipment late. It was a small price; I was grateful to be alive, and hopeful again.
For now, back then when this story took place, I would not quit college. As it turned out, I had more to learn there.
I would love to share that with you, if you would like, please go to Introduction Part III.
~Ahava
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